Phat not Fat

This week in politics: Gay Marraige

2010-12-16T16:46:00.001-08:00

Marriage, marriage is what brings us apart today. If you are currently reading from Canada let me explain - unlike much of the world the majority of States in America do not recognize gay marriages. I consider myself an ultra-conservative so I base most of my political beliefs on this principle: the more freedom the better. I support a man marrying another man or a man marrying five women or a man marrying a horse, or yes Mr Rodman, even a man marrying himself as long as that does not interfere with another person's freedom. As I understand it there are currently two main concerns when it comes to gay marriage affecting non-gays;

Churches do not want to be forced into performing homosexual marriages and risk losing their tax-free status if they do not comply.
Adoption agencies do not want to be forced to allow gay couples to adopt from them.

As a freedom-loving American I can absolutely identify with these concerns. In response I propose a pair of solutions;

Churches will have the freedom to choose who they will marry and in what way. They will continue to receive tax-free status as long as they meet all other requirements.
A parent or guardian who is placing their child up for adoption has the right to say if they do not want that child to be raised by a homosexual couple. This will be provided as the last right the parent is entitled to.

I really don't see how this could hurt things, what else are we worried about? Are we worried that the recognition of gay marriage will lead to more guys jumping aboard the homo-loveboat? I have news for you, it won't. Approximately 2-12% of the population is openly gay, that is still the vast minority and always will be. Children will continue to pick on their male classmates with feminine traits, and they will continue to pick on their female classmates with deep voices and impressive soccer skills. It's not like people will suddenly say "Oh, that's okay now? great! time to grow a mustache and listen to Lady Gaga!" not that there's anything wrong with that. Gays will continue to get the short-end of the stick, their parents will still be disappointed in the lack of biological grandchildren and they will still make many religious-sorts uncomfortable. Why would we deny them this aspect of their pursuit of happiness when it has absolutely no negative impact on the rest of us?

Worst April Fools Ever

2009-04-02T08:59:00.000-07:00

So yesterday my girlfriend and my big brother punked me so hard for April Fools. Ali and I have been planning a trip to New Orleans over Easter to visit my big brother Thomas. We've bought plane tickets, booked a hotel and even planned some of the activities that we want to do while we are there. Ali talks about the trip EVERY DAY. Each day she says something along the lines of "Guess what!? only 12 more days until we go to New Orleans!!" Needless to say, I've gotten pretty excited after all the hype. I was extremely concerned yesterday when I got a text from my brother...

Thomas:Hey danny! I think i just heard something on the news about a fire at the airport down here. U know anything about that?
Danny (dumbass) to Thomas: Haven't heard! I'll get Ali to Google it
Danny to Ali: Thomas just texted me and said there was a fire at the airport there, can you google it?
Thomas: Yea, do that. I just caught the tail end of it.
Thomas:Did she say anything?
Danny to Thomas: Not yet...
Ali: What?! The internet is being gay but I'll try
Thomas: They said something about hundreds of flights cancelled' can that be right?
Danny to Thomas: Hmm if we get canceled I will be pissed!
Ali: There is a fire in the main terminal there... Not quite sure how it started but it looks bad.
Danny to Ali: Oh man! This better not affect our trip
Ali: It can't! That would be the worst ever.
Danny to Thomas: Ali said there is a fire in the main Terminal and it's bad
Thomas: Really? There should be another report on the radio at 7:30. Was anyone hurt?
Danny to Thomas: Think its still happening, she didn't say
Thomas: Hang on, somethings on now
Thomas: Oh shit! They said they might cancel flights 4 jazz fest! Thats 4 weeks away!
Danny to Thomas: Noooooooooo
Danny to Ali: Urgh, Thomas is listening to the radio he says even distant flights are getting canceled
Thomas: They said on the radio they evacuated most of the people but nobody will say what started it
Ali: I just read that too... Apparently the damage is pretty extensive =/ this is terrible...
Danny to Thomas: Anybody hurt?
Thomas: They're not sure. Said at least 6 sent to area hospitals'
Thomas: They usually do bigger news segments on the hours. We'll see what they say. What carrier are u on?
Danny to Ali: Maybe they can redirect us to somewhere nearby and Thomas could pick us up
Ali: That would be a lot to ask though... There isn't much detail on what happened, some people are in hospital. It looks terrible though...
Danny to Thomas: I wonder what they will do about our flight
Thomas: Do u know ur carrier?
Danny to Thomas: Not sure which, does it matter?
Danny to Ali: Which airline are we with?
Thomas: Ok, they're talking about it now
Thomas was being very elaborate with the hoax, giving me updates only a few minutes after 6:00 and 7:00 to make his "radio" ploy more believable.
Thomas: Said the fire started around 5:15 local time, had to redirect dozens of flights.
Ali: Air Canada
Danny to Thomas: Air canada apparently
Thomas: Said some eye witnesses thought it was a grease fire at the popeye's but investigators arent commenting
Okay, I've been to the New Orleans airport before, and I'm pretty sure there isn't a Popeye's Chicken restaurant there, so I should have realized at this point what was going on, but I didn't
Danny to Ali: Eyewitnesses say it was a grease fire at Popeye's... that makes it slightly funnier
Thomas: Do u know what terminal they use?
Danny to Thomas: No clue!
Thomas: I dont know either. Sounds like they're canceling a lot of flights tho
Thomas:Said the faa and fbi are investigating. They're worried about jazz fest flights
Danny to Thomas: I'm worried about the delicious chicken
Thomas: Lmao
Ali: And I just got the worst e-mail ever from Air Canada. Totally cancelled. Fuck!
Danny to Ali: FUCK
Ali: What the eff! Stupid Air Canada!
Danny to Thomas: Our flight got cancelled
Danny to Ali: Do we get redirected or refunded or what?
Thomas: Im so sorry. I kinda figured. Can u reschedule?
Ali: Are you on lunch?
Danny to Ali: Not yet I'll take it at like 8
Ali: I'm coming to see you. This fails. And I'm bringing Burger King.
Danny to Ali: Oh, rad! When should I clock out?
Ali: I'll text when I'm done at BK.
Thomas: Can u reschedule?
Danny to Thomas: Blah I'm not sure, I'll keep you posted
Thomas: Wow, that really sucks. Im sure sorry
Danny to Thomas: Me too =(
Ali: Be there in 2 minutes. Can you come to my car?
Danny to Ali: Yup!
At this point Ali came to my work as promised. She gave me a hug and asked "are you pretty upset then?" to which I replied in a sad puppy-dog voice "yeah." She then asked "hey, what day is it today?" "what day is it today?....APRIL FOOLS!?!"
Danny to Thomas: Fuck You
Ali started laughing uncontrollably for about 10-15 minutes, during which time my big brother called me long distance to join her in her merriment. I was pissed for about 10 minutes, but I was hungry and burger king helped calm my nerves.

This conversation became extremely embarrassing to me when I learned that Ali and Thomas had been texting the entire time! Thomas was forwarding each of his statements and my responses to Ali. They have never met, and I didn't even know that they had each-other's numbers! perhaps if I had known that I would have put 2 and 2 together and seen right through their little trick, but as it is, this is the best I have ever been pranked. Ever.

In retrospect this entire prank is pretty hilarious because I know how into it my brother was. I can seriously picture him sitting around giggling like a little school girl as he patiently waited for 7:00 o'clock to roll around to give me an 'update.' Two smart people can certainly do a good job of fooling a fool.

Ode to Canada

2009-01-30T20:01:00.000-08:00

As many of you know I was born in Canada some 22 years ago. I have lived the past month in Edmonton (the city of my birth) and I would like to spend a little time talking about the things that I have experienced.

Hockey - Hockey is ridiculously huge in Canada. Some people have argued that Hockey in Canada is no more of a big deal than football in the United States. That's like saying that Aids is just as popular in Africa as it is in England. Yeah, I'm comparing Hockey to Aids.

Tim Hortons - A "fastfood chain" that embodies the Canadian dream of having coffee served to you by brown people. Referred to as "Timmy's" by some, Tim Hortons isn't really a fastfood chain as much as it is a coffee and doughnut shop, they are everywhere and they are HUGELY popular.

Carnation Street - A British soap opera enjoyed by everyone over the age of 25 in Canada.

Marijuana - A psychoactive carcinogen enjoyed by everyone over the age of 16 in Canada. There are stores that sell marijuana paraphernalia everywhere, including my favorite; "2 Guys With Pipes" which operates out of the West Edmonton Mall.

Canadian Translation Guide:

Chesterfield - Couch
Garborator - Garbage Disposal
Napsack - Backpack
Pencil Crayons - Colored Pencils
Buns - Rolls
Tobogganing - Sledding
Toque - Beanie/Hat
Whang - To hit, "I whanged my foot on that desk"
Wicked - Very, "That movie was wicked sweet"
Shinny - Hockey

Gone Baby Gone

2008-12-19T14:13:00.000-08:00

This was an extremely interesting movie. The film is directed by Ben Affleck and is based off of a book that I have not read, although according to many of the reviews I have read the movie is superior. The lead role is played by Affleck's younger brother Casey. Casey plays Patrick Kenzie, a private investigator who has been hired by a woman to help locate her niece Amanda. Because of his ties to the Boston neighborhood where Amanda has gone missing Patrick is able to work side-by-side with a couple of cops to solve the mystery of the young girl's disappearance. The script for this movie is amazing. There are plenty of twists and turns as well as clever back-and-forth dialogue the entire time. That said, the movie is extremely gritty and very hard to watch some (most) of the time. I feel that I can't really recommend this to many of my friends simply because it would make them uncomfortable to watch. The thing that I like about this film is that it isn't a preachy social commentary, it is a story. An interesting story in which each character is faced with a plethora of moral dilemmas leaving the viewer wondering what they would do if they were placed in a similar situation. I appreciate this movie for what it does; engross and entertain the viewer, for this reason I award Gone Baby Gone three stars.

Obama

2008-11-05T09:53:00.000-08:00

Well let me just say that I don't support Obama's policies, I'm afraid of socialism and big-government spending. I'm worried that the enemies of our nation will be left-unchecked and given free-reign to develop weapons that will kill us all. I'm concerned that a swell of immigrants will jeopardize our jobs and further damage our economy. I also hate the smugness that is usually exhibited by his supporters. However I am excited to have a black president. I truly hope that this will be the end of the 'race card' in America. Yes racism is real and many have been treated unfairly in the past, but anyone who uses race as an excuse to achieve less than they are capable of is lazy and is a coward. It is the year 2008 and in our country we have had equal rights for longer than I have been alive. I'm sick of rappers complaining that they've had a hard life because they are black. That may be true, but complaining never made anything better and there are many opportunities given to black youths that are not given to poor white kids. I really hope that Obama will set an example for everyone who thinks that life should be a certain way because of the color of their skin. Life is what we make it. To our future president; good luck and God bless.

Top 10 Ways to Take Over the World

2008-09-28T19:52:00.000-07:00

1. Use offensive cartoons to start a worldwide race-war. As seen by the riots in Denmark, the power of a simple cartoon can be substantial. You will harness that power and cause white to take up arms against black, Chinese against Japanese, Mexican against Eskimo. When the debris has settled and only a handful of people are left standing you will offer peace and sanctuary to the poor, sick and tired.

2. Promote cannibalism through trendy McDonalds commercials. It is a well-known fact to most fast-food executives that people will eat anything as long as it is pitched to them in the right way! Just picture a few of your favorite hip-hop artists telling you to chow down on mom and dad, who could resist!? Ba-da-da-da-da I'm lovin' it!

3. Kidnap Oprah and hold her ransom. This would deplete the financial resources of all the women in the world causing an economic crises of never before seen proportions. As sole holder of half of the population's assets you could easily assemble a gigantic army and crush the forces of good.

4. Convince everyone that they have depression, erectile dysfunction and ADD. As hordes of insecure, hyperactive, bonerless men wander the streets they will seek a new leader, one to show them the way to a better life.

5. Keanu Reeves

6. Train an army of monkey ninjas equipped with AK-47s. Training monkeys to be ninjas would be hard enough but when you factor in the amount of effort it would take to teach them to use guns this method of world domination seems very implausible. Cool however.

7. Mind-controlling hats. The development of a hat that is able to control the thoughts of people would be the main difficulty. Once said hats are in your possession all you do is have Justin Timberlake wear one to an awards ceremony and watch the wannabes fall in line.

8. Send anthrax through the mail. It will take a lot of stamps, but will get the job done well enough.

9. Persuade all men to be gay and freeze yourself. After 100 years of no children you will be the only survivor of a fabulously well-decorated world. Persuading men to not like women is the hard part... maybe cooties?

10. Rats with bombs attached to them. If you have seen the movie 'Wanted' you probably saw this one coming a hundred miles away. Rats with bombs attached to them is a unique and slightly humorous way to cause major havoc upon civilization.

Top 10 Coolest Ways to Die

2008-09-21T17:14:00.000-07:00

Inspired by the success of last weeks top-10 list, my roommates and I have compiled another list for your reading pleasure.

1. Making Chuck Norris Jealous - There is some debate as to whether or not jealousy is one of the emotions that Chuck Norris is capable of feeling (such as anger, hate, and bloodthirst) but this would truly be an awesome way to die.

2. Dying in a Chariot Race - Chariot racing lost some popularity with the invention of steam-power so this would defiantly be an unusual, and very cool, way to die.

3. Eating an Actual Pig in a Blanket - We all know that this feat can only be accomplished by the greatest swimmer in the world (Michael Phelps) so an attempt by any mere mortal would be suicide. Emoness aside, killing yourself while trying to prove your gluttony would be very awesome.

4. Killed by the Mythbuster Guys - They are going to kill somebody eventually, what would be cooler than dedicating your soul to the great scientist in the sky and proving once and for all that a man can be impaled by an icicle.

5. Killed in a Civil War Reenactment Accident - When questioned as to how their son died your parents smugly replied "at the battle of Vicksburg"

6. An American Flag Through the Heart - There is no more patriotic way to die.

7. Killed while Participating in a Westside Story Knife Fight - This would be one chill way to meet your maker daddy-o! *finger snap*

8. Being Caught in a Truck While it Transformed into Optimus Prime - Your mangled carcass would serve as evidence of the true power of the Autobots and as a dire warning to the Decepticons.

9. Killed Nonchalontly by Indiana Jones - After wildly waving your swords through the air the embarrassing gunshot that ends your life will bring laughter to millions worldwide as they view the newest installment of Indy's epic series.

1o. Eaten Alive by Rosie O'Donell - Surely the most painful method on this list, your death would help give way to O'Donell awareness.

The Manly List

2008-09-14T15:37:00.000-07:00

After a pretty thorough discussion of manliness with my roommates I have compiled a list of the top 10 people who we believe manifest unprecedented amounts of manocity. You may perhaps wish to take note of these brave souls and strive to emulate them in your day-to-day actions.

1. Chuck Norris: Chuck Norris is so manly, his hairs grow hair. If you have never seen the movie Missing in Action (part 2) I recommend that you rent, or preferably buy, it as soon as possible. In said movie you will witness Chuck Norris catch a rat in his teeth, kill half a dozen men with his bare hands, and blow up native huts for no reason other than that they bothered him. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters, and by knit I mean kick, and by sweaters, I mean babies.

2. Michael Phelps: 14 gold medals don't lie, this man has some serious cahones. With a wingspan of 6'7", two double-jointed shoulders, and size 14 feet (ladies) he is more machine now than man. Michael Phelps is the reason that some whales beach themselves and that many sharks willingly cast themselves into fishermen's nets.

3. Master Splinter: He is wise, affectionate, tough, and a rat/human hybrid.

4. Bear Grylls: I don't think that there is much else that needs to be said other than the write up I did about Bear a few weeks ago. "It tastes like old tomatoes and mozzarella cheese."

5. Kim Jong Il: He may only stand at 5'3" but he commands the 5th largest standing army in the world. Kim enjoys having fresh lobsters air flown to him every day which he eats with silver chopsticks. Kim also claims to shoot 3-to-4 holes in one per round of golf and guess what, NOBODY DISPUTES IT! That is power, that is manliness.

6. Sarah Palin: She could officially become President of the United States, the most manly job on the planet.

7.Wayne Gretzky: When he had his mullet of course. Mullets only have two forms: redneck, and manly, there is no in between. Gretzky was one of the few people in the history of our world that has actually been able to pull off a manly mullet, also he played hockey, which is arguably the most manly sport on the planet.

8. The Boondock Saints: They cauterized their own wounds with a Hot Iron... holy crap!

9. Bender: Yet another non-human graces this list. Let me just give you a few examples of manly things that Bender has said:

"I've got a friend named fry. He's a pretty cool guy. Rip out his lungs and he might well die. If there's two things he's not its a cool robot and the emperor of France."

"I'm gonna build my own amusement park. But with gambling and hookers! Ah, forget the amusement park."

10. Owen Wilson: A personal hero of mine, this manly man was able to overcome the handicap of a hidious nose and totally mack it with Rachel McAdams (wedding crashers.)

Miley Ray Cyrus

2008-08-28T14:31:00.000-07:00

Attractiveness: 5 - So that I don't appear to be a pedophile I'm just going to say she is neither hot nor not. In about 3 years when Miley turns 18 I think that I can give an accurate critique without feeling like some sort of pervert.
Intelligence: 5 - "Pink isn't just a color, it's an attitude!" Yes, a person who speaks English as their first language actually said that. I have tried to figure out the meaning of this, but every time I attempt to understand this sentence my brain instead triggers a gag reflex and I become horribly ill. Miley can't be a complete retard though, I mean, she's gonna be a billionaire by the time she's 18, holy **** batman!
Chill Factor: 1 - Ew no, I would enjoy hanging out with Miley Cyrus about as much as I would enjoy rubbing my pubic hairs off with a steel scouring pad. To explain why I would hate being around Miley let me give a few of her quotes:

"The only people that you really have, that I learned, are your family, because they love you no matter what." - Does it get any more sappy and cliche than that? Not to mention it's not even true, what about if your parents beat and molest you on a regular basis?

"I feel empowered when I see my face on a T-shirt." - That's funny, whenever I see your face on a t-shirt I feel like drowning a puppy, so in a way you are right, it is empowering!

"I cut the ribbon in Paris, and everyone in Paris speaks French — maybe you knew that. But I'm from Tennessee, and Tennessee girls don't speak French" - Oh Miley, you're so learned and wise, I hope that someday I can also have your cultural sophistication.

"What I always say is, 'you can't live a positive life with a negative mind and if you have a positive outcome you have a positive income and just to have more positivity and just to kind of laugh it off." - Oh man, remember that sick feeling I described before? I think I feel it coming on again

Final Thought: The best thing about Miley Cyrus is the picture I have posted at the top of this article.

Man vs Wild

2008-08-17T21:25:00.000-07:00

After discovering the existence of a bull-riding monkey I thought it was impossible for our world to contain any more awesomeness, that was before I knew about Man vs Wild. For those of you unfortunate enough not to be familiar with this television show; it's hosted by Bear Grylls (badass) and he goes into remote locations to show you how to survive. I will talk some more about the things that makes 'Bear' such a pinnacle of manliness in just a moment, but before that, CONTROVERSY!

Unlike the similar TV show 'Survivorman' Bear Grylls does not travel alone, he has a film crew with him "every step of the way." Many people who do not understand the purpose of the show have criticized the show for being scripted and over-dramatized. I have even heard someone suggest that Bear is eating shrimp cocktails and drinking wine with his crew when the camera's are turned. I don't care what he drinks off camera as long as he keeps chugging his own urine and squeezing the water out of elephant feces when the camera is on!

Man vs Wild, is way more exciting than Survivorman because all Les Stroud does is sit around, shiver and talk about ('aboot' in his case) how hungry he is. Bear Grylls jumps over lava vents, climbs up slickrock cliffs, submerges himself in icy water and steals honey from aggressive bees. Bear Grylls is the craziest man I've seen on TV since Tom Cruise on the Oprah show, but infinitely cooler.

In fact, on a scale of 1-to-Chuck Norris, Bear Grylls scores a perfect 10 as far as coolness is concerned! I think that anyone who disputes the awesomeness of Bear (damn, I just realized how cool it is to be named 'Bear') should be dumped onto a desert island with Bear and challenged to a 'survive-off.' I guarantee that in a week or less bear will consume his opponent as well as several pounds of wriggling insects.

Double Review

2008-07-16T17:28:00.001-07:00

Well I'm going to try something new and review two movies at the same time, madness! I think it's fitting that I review Charlie Wilson's War and Blood Diamond Blood because they both have something in common. No, I'm not talking about the fact that they both make me want to punch Julia Roberts in the ovaries. I'm talking about the fact that I really enjoyed both of these movies, but was pissed off by their messages, allow me to expound.

Charlie Wilson's War kicks off to a great start, you see like 7 boobs in the first 15 minutes, awesome! The movie slows down a little bit after the initial adrenaline rush, but it remains interesting and entertaining to the very end. At the beginning of the movie we learn that Afghani rebels are desperately trying to deter the spread of communism into their country. Charlie Wilson feels a tugging at his heart-strings and manipulates the American government into backing the Afghani resistance. Armed with American-supplied rockets the Afghani's shoot down Russian helicopters and everybody rejoices, yay!

After sending much more money to Afghanistan than he originally appealed congress for, Wilson begins to feel remorse for not giving Afghanistan enough money to rebuild their country and educate their children. It is at this point that we, the viewer, are supposed to understand that all of our current problems in Afghanistan (including the terrorist attacks on America) stem from the fact that we didn't give them enough money 30 some-odd years ago... riiiight.

Blood Diamond is an exciting movie about the Liberian civil war that lasted from 1989 to 2003. Leonardo DiCaprio plays a fictional diamond smuggler (Danny Archer) who promises to help a native Liberian named Solomon rescue his son from Revolutionary United Front forces. We soon come to find out that Archer is a quick-talking anti-hero who exploits Solomon for the purpose of locating and selling a giant diamond. By the end of the movie Archer overcomes many of his weaknesses and saves the day! yay again!

Now who are the bad guys in this movie? the RUF forces that murder innocent civilians, kidnap young boys and brainwash them? Nope! America again! Thanks to our non-interest in news other than the Clinton sex scandal and our incessant lust for cheap diamonds, millions of people are grievously maimed, raped, killed, and forced from their homes in central Africa. At the very end of the movie, the viewer is encouraged to refrain from buying 'conflict diamonds' and is made aware of the fact that there are still more than 200,000 child soldiers in Africa. Just WTF are we supposed to do exactly? get on a plane, fly to Liberia and adopt a little boy-soldier? give me a break.

When everything is said and done I really enjoyed both of these movies, thanks for the recommendations Ali :) Both have great stories, acting and effects and I am officially awarding both films 3 stars.

WARNING
Every time you buy a diamond you make one African kill another.

Things I'm Scared of

2008-07-10T10:27:00.000-07:00

I'm scared of going bald. Why oh why did God create baldness? It just seems cruel! My mom's dad is bald, and has been so since his late twenties. From what I've been told, that means I only have a precious little while before I end up in the same boat. I hoped that by the time I got into my 20's they would have developed a full-on cure for baldness! Baldness is usually terrible, but there are a few ways (from my observation) to pull it off:

1. Shave your head(bic) and get really buff. I'll call this the Bruce Willis approach. Pros: makes you more scary/tough looking. Cons: Still not as good looking as somebody with a full head of hair, why do you think Demi left him for Ashton?

2. Cut your hair really short (maybe a 1 or 2 setting on clippers) and grow a beard of about the same length. Pros: makes you look more distinguished and smart. Cons: also makes you appear older.

3. Shave your head and become a monk. Pros: might reach nirvana, become an enlightened being. Cons: might not reach it, never have sex etc...

I'm also scared of Gorillas. I've read that a male Silverback can lift up to 20 times as much as a human male! If you happened to upset one of these beasts it could easily crush your skull, or tear your limbs from their sockets. What are the chances of upsetting a Silverback if you are around one? I'd have to assume the chances are pretty good! Gorillas are extremely intelligent, and like humans, can become extremely unpredictable. One minute you're chilling with a Gorilla doing sign-language and eating bananas, next minute you're competing in the special Olympics and eating your meals through a straw. They can (will) mess you up!

Girls. Like Gorillas, girls are extremely unpredictable and hard to understand. A girl can easily put on a facade and act like somebody is her best friend in the entire world, but the next second rip on them like there is no tomorrow. "Hold up Danny!" you say "you're mean, look at that post you made about Daniel! don't act like you're a saint when it comes to human relations!" You're correct, I have disagreements and feuds, and although Daniel might not know about the Blog post I made about him, he is fully aware that I don't care much for him at all. Girls always treat me nice to my face but I have no idea what kinds of things they are saying when I'm gone! and I'm scared to find out! This is the one fact that makes women more frightening than most other creatures on the entire planet, that and the whole period thing. Another frightening thing about girls is how they think. Scientifically speaking a woman's brain is far more active than a Man's brain, and it's amazing to see some of the crap that comes out of there! A girl can see relationships and connections between things that I could never see in a billion years. For example: "OMG, Shelly is such a bitch! when I waved to her today she only gave me the finger-wave back! That means she thinks my ass is big!" You don't see the connection? me neither.

Bees. Nah just kidding, I'm not scared of bees, my roommate Bob is.

Network (1976)

2008-07-06T10:55:00.000-07:00

This movie won 4 academy awards; Best Actor in a Leading Rold, Best Actress in a Leading Role, Best Actress in a Supporting Role, and Best Writing for its screenplay. Now I'm not going to argue with the acting awards, because I agree that the acting in the movie, was extremely good, especially for a 1976 movie. The screenplay is also interesting, and I can understand why some feel that it is Academy Award worthy, but I do have some problems with it, and the movie in general.

The movie starts out with Howard Beale, the lead news anchor of a large television network, being told that in two weeks he will be fired because of low ratings. Mr. Beale decides that he has been treated unfairly and announces on television that in two weeks he will commit suicide on the air. His announcement causes a great deal of controversy and as a result the ratings spike for his show. Beale uses his new found publicity to speak about the evils of our society, hilarity and drama ensue.

Ok, sounds pretty interesting right? Well it is! it's a unique story and I was really happy at first by how fresh the movie seemed. But after a while the show really started to get on my nerves and drag on. Every single character in the movie is on a soap-box and they have to whine and complain about how difficult their lives are and how messed up the world is, and by the end of the show you just get sick of it. Howard Beale definatly has the best dialoge in the movie and I could have listened to him talk more and the other characters talk less. The ending is unusual and funny and I don't regret watching this movie at all. If you're in the mood for something different, check out Network.

Why Dan sucks balls:

2008-07-05T17:38:00.000-07:00

Dan is my roommate and a complete asshole. I usually don't have much trouble getting along with people, but I can't stand him for many reasons. So why is he such a terrible person? Glad you asked! let me explain.

Dan is a big, tall, fat kid. Now I don't know if he grew up always being bigger than the other kids, but somewhere along the line he developed the 'bully' mindset. Dan constantly says things like "Because I was so much taller than everyone there" and "It wouldn't be a problem for me to beat you up Van" and "That just because I'm so big." He is extremely arrogant about his size as if that somehow makes him a better person. He will bring up being "big" and "tall" as often as possible, especially if there are girls present. If there ARE girls present he feels obligated to talk about how much bigger he is than any of them.

Dan is extremely stubborn, he will argue about anything, ANYTHING. The other day Dan came in to tell me that Diablo 3 (a video game) had been announced. I'm the biggest Diablo fan in the world so I told him that I already knew which obviously pissed off Dan because he believes that he knows more about anything than anybody. He went on to say that Diablo 3 was being released in December. Now I've been a Blizzard fan for years and I knew that there was no release date set for Diablo (Blizzard won't set release dates until a few weeks before the game will be sold) so I politely pointed that out to him, he refused to believe me. We went to check the website where he claimed to have gotten his news, of course it wasn't there. Did Dan accept that he was wrong at this point? Hell no! He claimed that the website only shows the release dates SOMETIMES, and that perhaps something was different with my internet browser.

Dan cannot share. If somebody was watching TV and stepped out of the room to go to the bathroom or something like that he will quickly snatch up the remote control and refuse to give it back. This is extremely annoying because the only thing that he likes to watch is Law and Order and the Disney channel.

Dan has the loudest. most annoying laugh in the entire world. If nobody laughs at his joke (which is almost always the case) Dan will just laugh louder to make up for silence. Or he will just go on to explain how funny the joke he just told is. OOOH! is that why it's funny Dan? forgive me! I didn't catch that, allow me to laugh this time. He also feels the need to criticize any joke or witty anecdote made by another person, is that because he's jealous that he didn't think of it first? There's no doubt in my mind.

Dan served a mission to Mexico and is enormously proud of the fact that he can speak Spanish. Once again, as with all of the things Dan is proud of, he talks about his ability to speak Spanish constantly, and somehow thinks it makes him a better person. Guess what Dan, South America is full of people who can do it even better than you, so shut up.

Why am I so pissed off at Dan right now? Time for another story. So my roommates and I went to the store to pick up some groceries and on the way home I called shotgun (Dan was driving) What idiotic thought compelled me to want to sit up front with him, I don't know. After we stopped at Sonic burger to get some food for Rob, Dan commanded me to put on my seatbelt. At this point I just got sick of putting up with his terrible manners and told him to "say please." OF COURSE he refused. Why did I even ask? Did I think that I could change a lifetime of appalling behavior just like that? Maybe I'm an optimist, but probably just a fool. Well I decided to match Daniel's stubbornness in kind and walked home. Not to give him the satisfaction of making me suffer let me just say this: it was very pleasant weather, and I enjoyed the walk! Take that fucker!

Greatest PC games IMO

2008-07-03T20:17:00.000-07:00

I must say that I enjoy a spirited walk down memory lane. So here they are ladies and gents, My favorite PC games in no particular order!

Diablo - Yes the original. My first time through I chose the rogue and I'll never forget how excited I was when Demonspike-coat and Eaglehorn dropped. I'll never forget mostly because I remember how jealous my friend was when I got them! Duping was also fun, can you say Elixir of Dexterity dupe? Yeah! Does anybody else remember how freaky the Butcher was the first time you saw him and he says "Aaah Fresh meat!" man I almost crapped my pants!

Fallout - If you didn't choose the 'bloody mess' perk, you don't deserve to be my friend. The time-limit in the first game kind of sucked, but at the same time it added a sense of urgency to your mission. The most exciting part of that game was probably getting the Power Armor so that you could look like the guy on the front of the box.

Starcraft - This is defiantly the greatest real time strategy ever made, no question. Like most noobs, I preferred the Terrans at first, but after many, many hours of online play I switched over to the Zerg. Very few games have given me as much replay value as this game, and I love it.

Civilization - The first. It had pretty bad graphics, but it was very fun, quite challenging, and was new and exciting each time through.

Heroes of Might and Magic I, II, III - I felt that after number three the game took a turn for the worst. It was so fun in number one when you could finally build your tower and get a bunch of purple-Barney-like dragons to pwn on your enemies. In Heroes II vampires and Titans were where all the action was, and for Heroes III, my favorite was the swamp guys.

Red Alert - Number two was good, but I just have so many fond memories of the first. One of my favorite strategies was to build 6+ MIGs and take out your opponents construction yard with one fell swoop. Also in the first game Tesla coils were terribly over powered.

Warcraft Orcs & Humans - Most people started playing Warcraft after the sequel came out, but fortunately I had a big brother to introduce me to the first. One of the most memorable things was the very time your enemy sent a big summoned Demon against you, or even the first time they sent a catapult and it took out like 4 of your bowmen before you even knew what it was.

Alien vs Predator - If you know me you know that I'm not really a fan of Shooters, but I really enjoyed playing this on LAN with my friends. There is nothing in the world more satisfying than jumping out of a little dark cave and biting your buddies head off in one go, nothing. Then again nothing is most frustrating than hiding under a building and your friend knows exactly where you are (effing radar) so he just goes and sets some spider-mines right beside you.

Age of Empires - The first one was soo fun. I was really young when I played it, so I wasn't the greatest strategist around, but I would just build tons of walls and towers and turtle myself in until I had a huge army of composite bowman and Phalanxes. Good times!

Baldurs Gate 2 - This really has to be the best RPG ever made based off of the dungeons and dragons system. The funnest part of the game was probably the interactions between your party members. I love it when you have an Evil-aligned party member telling you to slaughter everyone in a tavern. One time I played through making my own entire party first, it was not nearly as rewarding (even though they did have better stats and rocked harder.)

Quest for Glory - Oh man, now these are some OLD games, like the type of games where you type /run to make your character do so. There were 4 in the series and they all involved a lot of combat and a lot of puzzles.

Knights of the Old Republic - Ok this game isn't even that old, so I will just stop before I talk about every game that I have every played, however this game was so fun that it deserves mentioning. I played as a Dark Jedi which was fun because you just kill everybody no questions asked, but I did sometimes regret it because I felt like I was missing out on story elements.

I could really keep going on and on about my favorite PC games, let alone console games! That will have to be done on a different post at a later date.

Soccer is boring

2008-06-26T13:43:00.000-07:00

So I turned on the TV, or as they call it in England, the Tele, and decided to watch a little Soccer, or as they call it in England, football. After a few minutes of watching I realized that the elapsed time of the game was not 8 minutes as I had originally thought, but 80 minutes! Now, why in the world did I only think that the game had been playing for 8 minutes? because the score was still 0 - 0. So let me put this in perspective for you; millions of people were watching and cheering for almost and hour and a half while 10 guys ran up and down a field in shorts, sounds kinda gay.

Gay!?! how dare you! It's not like football isn't just 10 guys running up and down a field in shorts right!?! Wrong. In football; touchdowns, fumbles, and interceptions keep things interesting, and instead of getting a 'yellow card' for physically harming another player, football players are encouraged to smash each-other into smithereens to gain yards.

When I was a little kid, I played some soccer, mostly because my mom thought it was less dangerous than the other sports I would have preferred playing, In the following years Soccer and I have grown apart. In fact, I feel as though the only reason that people enjoy soccer is because they watch it very drunk and because of their feelings of hatred towards the opposing country.

I shall now rate the most exciting sports to the most boring

Exciting

Basketball
Football
Hockey
Baseball
Rugby
Tennis
Golf <- More boring than Golf after this point
Badminton
Tennis
Paint Drying
Curling
Soccer
Nascar

Boring

Countries that the US is cool with

2008-06-24T19:06:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that most of the world doesn't like us, and by us I mean US! well In an effort to promote good relations between the United States of America and the rest of the world I will tell YOU what we like about your country! If I didn't mention your country, don't worry! it just means that you haven't done anything particularly interesting for a while, get up and change that!

England: Maybe it's because we speak the same language, and maybe it's because they chase a piece of cheese down a hill every year, but it's probably because their accents make them sound smart. Whatever the reason may be, Americans dig England.

Japan: If you don't love electronics then you're not reading this site, and if you didn't get your electronics from Japan, they probably don't work. They created Seppuku and cartoon pornography, and except for some old people most Americans seem to like them.

Australia: Nothing can make a person more at ease than hearing "G'day mate" in a nice thick Aussie accent. Also, animals with pouches are funny. Did you know that if you feed a koala mayonnaise it will die?

Africa: What? not a country you say? Well they are poor, hungry, dying of AIDS, constantly fighting some sort of war, and they make us feel like Idaho isn't that bad after all.

Jamaica: Cool runnings and Bob Marley are probably the most prevalent stereotypes of Jamaica, and widely enjoyed by pot-heads nationwide.

Antarctica: I think that we own part of it... Penguins are cute! ^_^

Germany: What do most Americans enjoy more than drinking beer? Fighting! lucky for us Germans have provided both of these necessities in vast quantities for the last century or so.

Micronesia: just kidding, I'm not ever sure where that one is.

Italy: Italian food and Godfather parts I & II. You guys can keep part III tho.

That about sums her up! like I said previously, if your country didn't make the grade this time around, keep at it! Never give up, start a revolution or maybe just a bloody coup d'etat and perhaps you too can make it onto the 'it' list.

We Are Not Alone

2008-06-09T20:02:00.000-07:00

R^* is the average rate of star formation in our

f_p is the fraction of those stars that have planets

n_e is the average number of planets that can potentially support life per star that has planets

f_ℓ is the fraction of the above that actually go on to develop life at some point

f_i is the fraction of the above that actually go on to develop intelligent life

f_c is the fraction of civilizations that develop a technology that releases detectable signs of their existence into space

L is the length of time such civilizations release detectable signals into space.

This is the Drake Equation and it was developed by Frank Drake to determine the number of civilizations in our galaxy with which communication might be possible. Of course all of the variables in this equations are just that, variables, meaning they can vary and be as low or as high as the person who is guessing wants them to be. The currently accepted result for N (or at least as it is posted on wikipedia) is 2.3, that means around 2 civilizations in our galaxy that should have the ability to communicate with us right now! Some more optimistic experts have figured it to be as high as N = 50!

Lets take a closer look at most widely accepted product of the Drake equation. (N = 2.3) In the aforementioned equation:

f_i = the fraction of plants with intelligent life which actually go on to develop intelligent life

Estimated by Drake as 0.01

Ok, I can understand that intelligent life would be rare, in fact, if it hadn't been for a giant meteor this planet would probably still be inhabited by Dinosaurs. However, the next value estimated by Drake just doesn't make sense to me.

f_c = the fraction of the above which are willing and able to communicate

Estimated by Drake as 0.01.

You're telling me that only 1% of intelligent lifeforms would want to communicate with other alien civilizations!? give me a break! Almost as soon as we developed the ability to use radio telescopes we were sending off messages into outer-space and I'm supposed to believe that only 1% of other intelligent species would do the same!? Insanity!

L = the expected lifetime of such a civilization for the period that it can communicate across interstellar space

Estimated by Drake as 10,000 years.

Some scientist believe this number to be overly generous. Many naysayers believe that all intelligent species cause their own destruction, they use our own planet as an example of why this number is too high, paleeaase. Even if we had a nuclear war, much of the population would survive and learn it's lesson.

Now another important thing to remember about this equation is that it is under the assumption that nothing can travel faster than the speed of light. That we would only be able to use radio signals to communicate with other civilizations is very pessimistic in my opinion. Many people much smarter than you or I believe that space can be bent, and that for some civilizations with the proper technology, traveling vast distances in a short amount of time could be possible! If faster-than-light travel truly is possible, you can bet that N would be a much higher value.

Now do I believe that aliens have visited our planet? Hard to say, but I'm not going to close my mind to the idea since I have absolutely no proof to the contrary. I have recently seen a very good film called Out of the Blue that goes in-depth about various documented encounters with UFOs. This film has many interviews with various government officials as well as some very impressive footage and interesting reenactments. I've seen many documentaries on Conspiracy theories, and I feel that this movie stands alone in it's research and believability. Check it out!

I think I have dyslexia

2008-05-29T09:39:00.000-07:00

I still need to look at my hands to know my right from my left. When somebody says something like: "He's standing on her left" it literally takes me a minute to sort that out in my mind. I have to sing the alphabet song to remember that 'M' comes before 'N.' I constantly put 'E' before 'I. when spelling words that require both. ' I almost always switch vowels around. I have a hard time remembering what order the months come in unless I start in April (when my birthday is) and count forward. It took me 3 years before I could tie a necktie without aid, and sometimes I stutter when I speak! I was reading the symptoms, and I didn't display them that prominently as a child, so I'm sure that I only have a mild case, but it does make some things very difficult (I cannot remember directions for the life of me!) If you see some typos in my posts just bare with me, I spend enough time spell-checking as it is!

Dane Cook

2008-05-28T19:58:00.001-07:00

Attractiveness: 5 - Some girls seem to think that he's hot, but his look is too monkeyish for my taste. I don't know when 'cromagnon-man' became the new trend, but I don't like it.
Intelligence: 4 - Judging by how very unfunny and simple his jokes are, I have to assume that Dane Cook isn't very smart. His comedy shows aren't comprised of jokes, but rather, pretentious stories about how 'bad-ass' mr. Cook is, and how lame he thinks other people are. Rather than depending on his wit, Dane seems to think a joke gets funnier the louder he tells it.
Chill Factor: 3 - I know that Dane Cook likes to play video games and hang out with his friends, but I would just get sick of listening to him talk about himself very quickly. I don't think that he would be a fun person to chill with at all. I also don't think that counting how many fans a person has is a good way to gage how cool they are, I mean Charles Manson had people stupid enough to want to die for him. Then again I would rather carve a swastika in my forehead than make that stupid hand-symbol that Dane Cook seems to think is so cool.

Final Thought: As you can see, his scores got progressively lower, that might just be because I get in a worse and worse mood the more I think about Dane Cook.

Death Proof

2008-05-28T14:20:00.000-07:00

As if the world didn't have enough 'Girl Talk' Death Proof delivers unparalleled amounts to bore you out of your mind. Yes, I am a fan of Quentin Tarantino films, so yes, I was expecting lots of clever dialog, but the talking-to-violence ratio is just way too high for me to enjoy this movie! Most of the ladies in the film are super fine, and that softens the blow somewhat, but doesn't change the fact that you will constantly be looking at your watch wondering how much time has passed. The chase scene also helps to redeem the movie, but the climax to afore mentioned scene is wanting. Kurt Russel plays the part of ''Stuntdouble Mike' a character who seems a lot cooler at first than he ends up actually being, although that might be the point. Stuntdouble Mike seems to hate women and reacts violently towards them, I'll say no more about the plot, because honestly it doesn't get much thicker than that. Tarantino purposefully gave the film an 'aged' look which is pretty cool and adds an artistic quality that we've come to expect from his work. If you're looking for a good tribute to movies of the Grindhouse genre, check out Planet Terror, which is more interesting and hilarious.

WARNING:
Bad language and some sexuality,(can you say lapdance!) sadly no bewbs.

Iron Man

2008-05-11T20:30:00.000-07:00

This Hollywood blockbuster has been getting pretty good reviews, now I'm not going to suggest that Paramount bribed various magazines, newspapers or television shows *cough*, but Iron Man honestly wasn't that great. The movie is about Tony Starks a billionaire playboy that ironically becomes captured and held hostage at the barrel of some of the weapons that his own company designed. Unfortunately for the viewer, the plot doesn't get much more complex or interesting than that. I don't know why every recent big-budget flick has to be full of sarcastic one-liners but Iron Man is no exception, in fact, it might be the magnum opus as far as smart-assery is concerned. These mean spirited taunts were obviously placed in the movie for comic relief, but I didn't laugh once, nope, not even at the cute little helper-robot. The product-placement in this movie is ridiculous, Burger King, Audi and Dell all get their moments in the spotlight, taking away some of the movie's longevity right along with them. I won't say anything about the liberal anti-war commentary peppered throughout the film other than mentioning it's presence. The special effects are good, the acting is fine, and there's enough action in there to keep me appeased, but this movie ain't got nuthin' on the new Batman or Spiderman movies. OH YEAH! I almost forgot! stay tuned after the credits for a brief snippet that you won't understand unless you've read the Iron Man comic books.

Jacob's Ladder

2008-04-29T21:46:00.000-07:00

Jacob's Ladder is a movie about Jacob Singer a Vietnam veteran who begins to feel that he is being followed by demons that are somehow linked to his service in Vietnam. The Good: Tim Robbins is a great actor, you may remember how talented he is if you have ever seen him in my favorite movie of all time; The Shawshank Redemption. There are some parts of the movie that are genuinely spooky, especially near the beginning, you might start to think this is a good movie! The Bad: Much of the movie is really boring, after a while I began to wonder how much time can be spent watching Jacob sit around and shiver. Plot holes, yes major plot holes. If the end of the movie doesn't make you say "WTF!?!" you are much smarter than I am. The Ugly: There's this kinda gross scene where Jacob and his girlfriend attend a party, and I won't spoil it, but it was another wtf moment. The Verdict: I wanted to like this movie, I really did, but it just left a sour taste in my mouth at the end and I don't really recommend it unless you wanna see what makes it so weird

WARNING:
Lots of F bombs, and boobies (1 pair, multiple sightings)

PS
I probably won't review it here, but The Good the Bad and the Ugly is one of the greatest movies ever, I recommend it over Jacobs ladder.

All your Tibet are belong to us

2008-04-08T21:25:00.000-07:00

The first time I heard the slogan "free Tibet" I thought "sweet! is there a limit to how many I can have?" Needless to say that when I learned it was a country, and that I couldn't even have one, I was quite disappointed. So here's the way I understand the situation as it stands currently:

1950 - China invades Tibet to prove that they don't have small penises
1951 - Tibet becomes part of the People's republic of china, there is much rejoicing in locker-rooms across China as men notice a considerable increase in size.
1959 - The Dalai Lama (spiritual leader of Tibet) flees China so that he can be reincarnated as Optimus Prime in order to save his people.
1956-1959 - Tibetans don't like being part of China and revolt, tens of thousands are killed by the Chinese, Europeans QQ.
1959-2008 - Tibetans report unfair treatment towards them at the hands of the Chinese (discrimination against Tibetan businesses and students, favoritism towards Chinese.)
2005- Dalai Lama gets a little tired of waiting for his transformation and tells the Chinese "We are willing to be part of the People's Republic of China, to have it govern and guarantee to preserve our Tibetan culture, spirituality and our environment." China effectively says "STFU"
2008- Many countries talk of boycotting the Olympic games in Beijing to prevent themselves from being Stomped by America in all events besides Badminton.

I'm no expert, but I think that I've accurately summed it all up for those of my dedicated readers who have trouble staying up to day with the current events. Good luck Tibet! but I'm sure that America won't be able to help you after all the whining towards the current war.

Shaving, a giant stride in puberty

2008-04-08T21:01:00.000-07:00

For the last while I've had the manly privilege of shaving on an almost-daily basis. Of course I'm talking about facial hair, even the French aren't sissy enough to shave their armpits or legs. Which reminds me, why are people always hatin' on the French? We wouldn't even be a country if it wasn't for them! Polls show that more American's like the Germans than the French. Didn't we fight against the Germans much more recently and much more often than the French? I mean, wtf. Anyways, back to shaving, there are some things I like about it, and others I don't

Pro's:

Feel Manly while doing it.
Able to brag to other people about how manly you are via blogs.
Getting access to more sharp objects.

Con's:

Takes more time to get ready.
Waste of protein.
It really irritates my skins, I've tried warm-water cold-water, goat's milk, tomatoe sauce etc..
Nicks and cuts (I'm too skilled to get them, but I've heard from others that they can be nasty.)
Forgetting that little patch of hair under your ear along your jawline.

I figure that it will be another 6-8 more months before I can grow a respectable mustache so I plan to continue to shave until at least then. Well I think that I've said pretty much all that needs to be said about shaving at this point, I'll catch ya'll later on the flipside.

PS - If you have any tips of how to reduce irritation while still preserving my manliness, please leave a comment.

I Am Legend (Book)

2008-03-25T16:46:00.000-07:00

Published in 1954, I am Legend is about Robert Neville, the lone survivor of a plague that has turned everyone he knows and loves into Vampires. Vampires? you ask, Yes vampires, Not zombies. If you've seen the recent movie by the same name you will find the book to be very different. The creatures are different (the monsters in the book are much more classic vampires, being afraid of crosses and garlic.) the disease is different, Neville's dog is different, and the ending is MUCH different. It generally goes without saying that the book is better than the movie, and I am Legend is no exception, however I did enjoy the movie and I like Will Smith. There's not a whole lot I can say about this book without spoiling it for everybody, but let me just say that it's a really cool read, especially if you like survivor type books.

The Night of the Living Dead (1968)

2008-03-24T14:40:00.001-07:00

One of the earliest and most influential zombie movies of all time, The Night of the Living Dead is a very entertaining and well-made film about a band of survivors who struggle to survive a mysterious zombie uprising.

Unlike recent zombie films (ala 'Dawn of the Dead' and '28 Days Later') The Night of the Living Dead is not about a world-wide epidemic, but rather a small, isolated incident. The small-scale nature of the movie puts the focus of the film on the group of survivors and their relationships with each-other. The acting is good and although the story is quite simple, it is clever and never boring.

The original film was in black and white, but has since been re-released multiple times with the newer versions in color. Depending on which version you pickup you can expect pretty good sound a picture quality as well as believable zombies, and rather tame (at least by today's standards) violence.

3 Stars for an enjoyable movie that I thoroughly endorse and recommend anyone who enjoys a unique story and some good ol' zombie huntin'

The Host

2008-02-26T19:58:00.000-08:00

The Host is a Korean thriller about a giant amphibious monster that wreaks havoc on the local populous. Sounds like Godzilla right? Not even close. The story is simple, but always unpredictable. there is nothing cliche in this movie, and that's what I love about it. You've never seen a movie like it, and I'm sure that it will leave a lasting impression with you.

The actors do a great job of bringing this movie to life, particularly the youngsters. As you will see when you watch this movie, the relationships between the different characters is the main focus of the film, even the monster seems to take back-seat to the human drama that he's created.

I've never seen a Korean movie before, so I didn't know what to expect as far as production values, but everything is high-quality and believable. The version that I saw was dubbed-over English, and I felt that the voice acting was rather poor. If had a choice I would certainly prefer Korean with English subtitles the second time around. It's obvious that much of the humor and suspense in this movie is lost in translation. A few of the conversations (I'm thinking of one in particular) don't even make sense when translated over to English.

Despite a few major flaws The Host is very good, and sure to be one of the most interesting movies that you've ever seen. 3 stars.

WARNING
I didn't watch this movie with any girls, but I can guarantee that they won't like the ending

Samuel Prescott

2008-02-24T00:27:00.000-08:00

Attractiveness: 7 - kay, in a nongay way, sam is kinda cute, but he should go through puberty IMO.
Intelligence: 5 - I don't think Sam is that smart because he talks like a valley girl and works at Sears.
Chill Factor: 8 - yeah he might be annoying, but he is hilarious, and he plays World of Warcraft. -1 point due to diabetes. -1 more point for pretending he doesn't know what glitter is.

Final Rating: 7 ... Well its better than Oprah

Oprah Winfrey

2008-02-20T17:42:00.000-08:00

Attractiveness: 5 - As you can see from this older picture, Oprah was somewhere between average and good looking in her younger years. I have deducted points, however, because these days she just looks weird. Oprah has tried to hide the effects of aging with way too much makeup, but apparently no plastic surgery.
Intelligence: 9 - There's no denying it Oprah is one smart cookie. Oprah has my respect for overcoming the many challenges she faced in her youth and becoming one of the wealthiest women in the world. (personally I don't think anybody deserves the kind of bling that she's got, but it's all legit.) Oprah is more liberal than I like, but at least she tries to stay well informed.
Chill Factor: 4 - I don't think that Oprah would be very chill to hang out with. She's smart so we could talk about current issues, but that's about it.

Final Words: Well Oprah ends up with a 6 average which isn't bad if I do say so myself. She's a good lady that falls short in a few ways.

Taxi Driver

2008-02-20T14:44:00.000-08:00

I'm a big fan of Robert De Niro and of Martin Scorsese, but I didn't much care for Taxi Driver. This film was a big hit when it came out in 1976 and is considered by some to be Scorsese's big breakout picture. Robert De Niro plays an insomniac taxi driver that becomes more and more insane as the movie progresses climaxing in a violent NYC shootout. The acting is good and Robert De Niro is quite convincing as 'Travis' (the only character who gets much screen time.) The story is unique, but not very enjoyable. When the movie is over you'll end up asking yourself "What was that all about? Is there a moral to this story?" Honestly, I don't think that I can answer either of those questions. This film is memorable, it will stick with you. After a week or two you will still be muddling it around in your brain trying to figure it all out. I think that is the reason why reviews for this movie have generally been positive, and why many consider it to be one of the greatest movies of all time. Perhaps I'm just bitter because I didn't fully understand it, but I thought the story was lacking and found the movie a little dull. I'm giving Taxi Driver 2 stars, because it could have been a lot worse. Oh yeah, Jodie Foster is in this too.

MEMORABLE QUOTES
"You talkin' to me?" -ad-libbed by Robert De Niro as Travis Bickle.

Waterboarding Oh Noes!!

2008-02-06T14:15:00.000-08:00

The hippy-commie liberals have recently been putting a lot of pressure on the Bush administration for their use of 'Waterboarding" against terrorists. Waterboarding involves covering a person's head with cloth and pouring water on them to give them the 'feeling of drowning' and has alledgely been used by the American government to get information out of terrorists in hopes of preventing further attacks against U.S. citizens. I don't approve of pretty much anything the Bush administration has done over the past 8 years, but if scaring a few terrorists brings them closer to catching Osama, or prevents the death of even one innocent American, well I say, tear their fucking fingernails out. How much would you protest torturing a terrorist if it meant saving your child, or your sister? If you would still oppose torture under such circumstance, I think you need to rethink your priorities. Even former president Bill Clinton said that torture could be justified if it meant saving American lives.

Lawrence of Arabia

2008-02-06T12:40:00.000-08:00

Lawrence of Arabia is a classic, everybody lists it as one of the greatest movies of all time. As you can see from the DVD cover case it won 7 academy awards, so then why am I awarding it only 2 and a half stars? Because it was pretty boring. Lawrence of Arabia is 228 minutes long (thats just shy of 4 hours) with not nearly as much action as you would suspect from a war movie. The movie is based on the true story of a british officer who often disobeys orders in hopes of giving the people of Arabia freedom from Turkish rule. The acting is good, the dialogue is great, the musical score is amazing, and the cinematography is qutie beautiful. This is, no doubt, a very good and very artistic movie. I watch movies, however, to be entertained and there are a lot more entertaining movies than this one. There are a few fight scenes in the movie, which seems realistic enough, especially when you consider the technology that was available in 1962, but they are still pretty boring. I would recommend watching this movie, just so that you can experience it, but don't invite over your friends and order pizza because everyone will want to go bowling halfway through, and then you'll feel bad.

WARNING
The action in this movie may be a little too intense for most grandmothers.

Snakes on a Lame

2008-02-06T11:42:00.000-08:00

Snakes on a Plane gets 1/2 a star for being the worst movie that I can remember seeing in a very long time. The title of this movie is in no way metaphoric, and that's the sad truth. Some surfer dude is out 4-wheeling in Hawaii when he happens to see a japanease crimelord kill some guy. The FBI promises to protect him so that he can testify in court against the mafia. Now the mafia couln't call itself the mafia if they didn't at least attempt to kill a witness before he can testify against them right? And what's the best way in the world it kill somebody? That's right, snakes on a plane! The story is terrible, the acting is terrible, the dialog is terrible, and even the snakes don't look that realistic. I couldn't even finish watching this movie before I decided to put on something else. If I had payed to watch this movie, I would demand my money back. "But Danny" you ask "why would you give it half a star if it was that horrible?" Good question! Samuel L. Jackson is pretty funny, and there's a hot sex scene about halfway through, that's it.

WARNING
Bad language due to the Mother@#$%ing snakes on the Mother&%*#ing plane! Boobies (1 pair.)

Rambo

2008-02-05T17:56:00.000-08:00

This is my first post in my first blog ever. I've decided that I want to review a few movies that I've seen recently, just because there are never enough critics out there amiright?
I'm giving Rambo 3 stars, because I really enjoyed it. Reviews for this movie have been a mixed bag and theres a reason for this. The movie starts out showing real-life images of the war in Burma in hopes of giving audiences a glimpse of the horror that is everyday life for the people who live in that country. The first half of the movie continues to show the Burmese national army as a bunch of blood-thirsty thugs who burn babies and ravage young village girls for the hell of it. The message that many critics got was "violence is bad mmmkay." With this mindset many critics found the second half of the movie, when Rambo exacts his bloody revenge, to be hypocritical. What do you expect from Rambo!? Even earlier in the movie he tells some goody-goody missionaries that they won't change anything without weapons. As far as weapons are concerned, this movie delivers! Rambo is an 85 minute bloodbath, and I loved every second of it. The special effects in this movie are amazing, the gore and death is more realistic than in any movie i've seen. Just wait for the end of the movie when Rambo uses a machine gun to relieve some Burmese deuchbags of their arms and legs. This movie's score is hurt by the lack of story and moral (theres a little bit of Rambo discovering himself or something at the end, but who cares?) Rambo recieves top marks for being exciting and awesome.

WARNING
This movie has foul language, extreme violence, and boobies (2 pair.)