Worst April Fools Ever

So yesterday my girlfriend and my big brother punked me so hard for April Fools. Ali and I have been planning a trip to New Orleans over Easter to visit my big brother Thomas. We've bought plane tickets, booked a hotel and even planned some of the activities that we want to do while we are there. Ali talks about the trip EVERY DAY. Each day she says something along the lines of "Guess what!? only 12 more days until we go to New Orleans!!" Needless to say, I've gotten pretty excited after all the hype. I was extremely concerned yesterday when I got a text from my brother...

Thomas:Hey danny! I think i just heard something on the news about a fire at the airport down here. U know anything about that?
Danny (dumbass) to Thomas: Haven't heard! I'll get Ali to Google it
Danny to Ali: Thomas just texted me and said there was a fire at the airport there, can you google it?
Thomas: Yea, do that. I just caught the tail end of it.
Thomas:Did she say anything?
Danny to Thomas: Not yet...
Ali: What?! The internet is being gay but I'll try
Thomas: They said something about hundreds of flights cancelled' can that be right?
Danny to Thomas: Hmm if we get canceled I will be pissed!
Ali: There is a fire in the main terminal there... Not quite sure how it started but it looks bad.
Danny to Ali: Oh man! This better not affect our trip
Ali: It can't! That would be the worst ever.
Danny to Thomas: Ali said there is a fire in the main Terminal and it's bad
Thomas: Really? There should be another report on the radio at 7:30. Was anyone hurt?
Danny to Thomas: Think its still happening, she didn't say
Thomas: Hang on, somethings on now
Thomas: Oh shit! They said they might cancel flights 4 jazz fest! Thats 4 weeks away!
Danny to Thomas: Noooooooooo
Danny to Ali: Urgh, Thomas is listening to the radio he says even distant flights are getting canceled
Thomas: They said on the radio they evacuated most of the people but nobody will say what started it
Ali: I just read that too... Apparently the damage is pretty extensive =/ this is terrible...
Danny to Thomas: Anybody hurt?
Thomas: They're not sure. Said at least 6 sent to area hospitals'
Thomas: They usually do bigger news segments on the hours. We'll see what they say. What carrier are u on?
Danny to Ali: Maybe they can redirect us to somewhere nearby and Thomas could pick us up
Ali: That would be a lot to ask though... There isn't much detail on what happened, some people are in hospital. It looks terrible though...
Danny to Thomas: I wonder what they will do about our flight
Thomas: Do u know ur carrier?
Danny to Thomas: Not sure which, does it matter?
Danny to Ali: Which airline are we with?
Thomas: Ok, they're talking about it now
Thomas was being very elaborate with the hoax, giving me updates only a few minutes after 6:00 and 7:00 to make his "radio" ploy more believable.
Thomas: Said the fire started around 5:15 local time, had to redirect dozens of flights.
Ali: Air Canada
Danny to Thomas: Air canada apparently
Thomas: Said some eye witnesses thought it was a grease fire at the popeye's but investigators arent commenting
Okay, I've been to the New Orleans airport before, and I'm pretty sure there isn't a Popeye's Chicken restaurant there, so I should have realized at this point what was going on, but I didn't
Danny to Ali: Eyewitnesses say it was a grease fire at Popeye's... that makes it slightly funnier
Thomas: Do u know what terminal they use?
Danny to Thomas: No clue!
Thomas: I dont know either. Sounds like they're canceling a lot of flights tho
Thomas:Said the faa and fbi are investigating. They're worried about jazz fest flights
Danny to Thomas: I'm worried about the delicious chicken
Thomas: Lmao
Ali: And I just got the worst e-mail ever from Air Canada. Totally cancelled. Fuck!
Danny to Ali: FUCK
Ali: What the eff! Stupid Air Canada!
Danny to Thomas: Our flight got cancelled
Danny to Ali: Do we get redirected or refunded or what?
Thomas: Im so sorry. I kinda figured. Can u reschedule?
Ali: Are you on lunch?
Danny to Ali: Not yet I'll take it at like 8
Ali: I'm coming to see you. This fails. And I'm bringing Burger King.
Danny to Ali: Oh, rad! When should I clock out?
Ali: I'll text when I'm done at BK.
Thomas: Can u reschedule?
Danny to Thomas: Blah I'm not sure, I'll keep you posted
Thomas: Wow, that really sucks. Im sure sorry
Danny to Thomas: Me too =(
Ali: Be there in 2 minutes. Can you come to my car?
Danny to Ali: Yup!
At this point Ali came to my work as promised. She gave me a hug and asked "are you pretty upset then?" to which I replied in a sad puppy-dog voice "yeah." She then asked "hey, what day is it today?" "what day is it today?....APRIL FOOLS!?!"
Danny to Thomas: Fuck You
Ali started laughing uncontrollably for about 10-15 minutes, during which time my big brother called me long distance to join her in her merriment. I was pissed for about 10 minutes, but I was hungry and burger king helped calm my nerves.

This conversation became extremely embarrassing to me when I learned that Ali and Thomas had been texting the entire time! Thomas was forwarding each of his statements and my responses to Ali. They have never met, and I didn't even know that they had each-other's numbers! perhaps if I had known that I would have put 2 and 2 together and seen right through their little trick, but as it is, this is the best I have ever been pranked. Ever.

In retrospect this entire prank is pretty hilarious because I know how into it my brother was. I can seriously picture him sitting around giggling like a little school girl as he patiently waited for 7:00 o'clock to roll around to give me an 'update.' Two smart people can certainly do a good job of fooling a fool.

Ode to Canada

As many of you know I was born in Canada some 22 years ago. I have lived the past month in Edmonton (the city of my birth) and I would like to spend a little time talking about the things that I have experienced.

Hockey - Hockey is ridiculously huge in Canada. Some people have argued that Hockey in Canada is no more of a big deal than football in the United States. That's like saying that Aids is just as popular in Africa as it is in England. Yeah, I'm comparing Hockey to Aids.

Tim Hortons - A "fastfood chain" that embodies the Canadian dream of having coffee served to you by brown people. Referred to as "Timmy's" by some, Tim Hortons isn't really a fastfood chain as much as it is a coffee and doughnut shop, they are everywhere and they are HUGELY popular.

Carnation Street - A British soap opera enjoyed by everyone over the age of 25 in Canada.

Marijuana - A psychoactive carcinogen enjoyed by everyone over the age of 16 in Canada. There are stores that sell marijuana paraphernalia everywhere, including my favorite; "2 Guys With Pipes" which operates out of the West Edmonton Mall.

Canadian Translation Guide:

Chesterfield - Couch
Garborator - Garbage Disposal
Napsack - Backpack
Pencil Crayons - Colored Pencils
Buns - Rolls
Tobogganing - Sledding
Toque - Beanie/Hat
Whang - To hit, "I whanged my foot on that desk"
Wicked - Very, "That movie was wicked sweet"
Shinny - Hockey

Gone Baby Gone

This was an extremely interesting movie. The film is directed by Ben Affleck and is based off of a book that I have not read, although according to many of the reviews I have read the movie is superior. The lead role is played by Affleck's younger brother Casey. Casey plays Patrick Kenzie, a private investigator who has been hired by a woman to help locate her niece Amanda. Because of his ties to the Boston neighborhood where Amanda has gone missing Patrick is able to work side-by-side with a couple of cops to solve the mystery of the young girl's disappearance. The script for this movie is amazing. There are plenty of twists and turns as well as clever back-and-forth dialogue the entire time. That said, the movie is extremely gritty and very hard to watch some (most) of the time. I feel that I can't really recommend this to many of my friends simply because it would make them uncomfortable to watch. The thing that I like about this film is that it isn't a preachy social commentary, it is a story. An interesting story in which each character is faced with a plethora of moral dilemmas leaving the viewer wondering what they would do if they were placed in a similar situation. I appreciate this movie for what it does; engross and entertain the viewer, for this reason I award Gone Baby Gone three stars.

Obama

Well let me just say that I don't support Obama's policies, I'm afraid of socialism and big-government spending. I'm worried that the enemies of our nation will be left-unchecked and given free-reign to develop weapons that will kill us all. I'm concerned that a swell of immigrants will jeopardize our jobs and further damage our economy. I also hate the smugness that is usually exhibited by his supporters. However I am excited to have a black president. I truly hope that this will be the end of the 'race card' in America. Yes racism is real and many have been treated unfairly in the past, but anyone who uses race as an excuse to achieve less than they are capable of is lazy and is a coward. It is the year 2008 and in our country we have had equal rights for longer than I have been alive. I'm sick of rappers complaining that they've had a hard life because they are black. That may be true, but complaining never made anything better and there are many opportunities given to black youths that are not given to poor white kids. I really hope that Obama will set an example for everyone who thinks that life should be a certain way because of the color of their skin. Life is what we make it. To our future president; good luck and God bless.

Top 10 Ways to Take Over the World

1. Use offensive cartoons to start a worldwide race-war. As seen by the riots in Denmark, the power of a simple cartoon can be substantial. You will harness that power and cause white to take up arms against black, Chinese against Japanese, Mexican against Eskimo. When the debris has settled and only a handful of people are left standing you will offer peace and sanctuary to the poor, sick and tired.

2. Promote cannibalism through trendy McDonalds commercials. It is a well-known fact to most fast-food executives that people will eat anything as long as it is pitched to them in the right way! Just picture a few of your favorite hip-hop artists telling you to chow down on mom and dad, who could resist!? Ba-da-da-da-da I'm lovin' it!

3. Kidnap Oprah and hold her ransom. This would deplete the financial resources of all the women in the world causing an economic crises of never before seen proportions. As sole holder of half of the population's assets you could easily assemble a gigantic army and crush the forces of good.

4. Convince everyone that they have depression, erectile dysfunction and ADD. As hordes of insecure, hyperactive, bonerless men wander the streets they will seek a new leader, one to show them the way to a better life.

5. Keanu Reeves

6. Train an army of monkey ninjas equipped with AK-47s. Training monkeys to be ninjas would be hard enough but when you factor in the amount of effort it would take to teach them to use guns this method of world domination seems very implausible. Cool however.

7. Mind-controlling hats. The development of a hat that is able to control the thoughts of people would be the main difficulty. Once said hats are in your possession all you do is have Justin Timberlake wear one to an awards ceremony and watch the wannabes fall in line.

8. Send anthrax through the mail. It will take a lot of stamps, but will get the job done well enough.

9. Persuade all men to be gay and freeze yourself. After 100 years of no children you will be the only survivor of a fabulously well-decorated world. Persuading men to not like women is the hard part... maybe cooties?

10. Rats with bombs attached to them. If you have seen the movie 'Wanted' you probably saw this one coming a hundred miles away. Rats with bombs attached to them is a unique and slightly humorous way to cause major havoc upon civilization.

Top 10 Coolest Ways to Die

Inspired by the success of last weeks top-10 list, my roommates and I have compiled another list for your reading pleasure.

1. Making Chuck Norris Jealous - There is some debate as to whether or not jealousy is one of the emotions that Chuck Norris is capable of feeling (such as anger, hate, and bloodthirst) but this would truly be an awesome way to die.

2. Dying in a Chariot Race - Chariot racing lost some popularity with the invention of steam-power so this would defiantly be an unusual, and very cool, way to die.

3. Eating an Actual Pig in a Blanket - We all know that this feat can only be accomplished by the greatest swimmer in the world (Michael Phelps) so an attempt by any mere mortal would be suicide. Emoness aside, killing yourself while trying to prove your gluttony would be very awesome.

4. Killed by the Mythbuster Guys - They are going to kill somebody eventually, what would be cooler than dedicating your soul to the great scientist in the sky and proving once and for all that a man can be impaled by an icicle.

5. Killed in a Civil War Reenactment Accident - When questioned as to how their son died your parents smugly replied "at the battle of Vicksburg"

6. An American Flag Through the Heart - There is no more patriotic way to die.

7. Killed while Participating in a Westside Story Knife Fight - This would be one chill way to meet your maker daddy-o! *finger snap*

8. Being Caught in a Truck While it Transformed into Optimus Prime - Your mangled carcass would serve as evidence of the true power of the Autobots and as a dire warning to the Decepticons.

9. Killed Nonchalontly by Indiana Jones - After wildly waving your swords through the air the embarrassing gunshot that ends your life will bring laughter to millions worldwide as they view the newest installment of Indy's epic series.

1o. Eaten Alive by Rosie O'Donell - Surely the most painful method on this list, your death would help give way to O'Donell awareness.

The Manly List

After a pretty thorough discussion of manliness with my roommates I have compiled a list of the top 10 people who we believe manifest unprecedented amounts of manocity. You may perhaps wish to take note of these brave souls and strive to emulate them in your day-to-day actions.

1. Chuck Norris: Chuck Norris is so manly, his hairs grow hair. If you have never seen the movie Missing in Action (part 2) I recommend that you rent, or preferably buy, it as soon as possible. In said movie you will witness Chuck Norris catch a rat in his teeth, kill half a dozen men with his bare hands, and blow up native huts for no reason other than that they bothered him. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters, and by knit I mean kick, and by sweaters, I mean babies.

2. Michael Phelps: 14 gold medals don't lie, this man has some serious cahones. With a wingspan of 6'7", two double-jointed shoulders, and size 14 feet (ladies) he is more machine now than man. Michael Phelps is the reason that some whales beach themselves and that many sharks willingly cast themselves into fishermen's nets.

3. Master Splinter: He is wise, affectionate, tough, and a rat/human hybrid.

4. Bear Grylls: I don't think that there is much else that needs to be said other than the write up I did about Bear a few weeks ago. "It tastes like old tomatoes and mozzarella cheese."

5. Kim Jong Il: He may only stand at 5'3" but he commands the 5th largest standing army in the world. Kim enjoys having fresh lobsters air flown to him every day which he eats with silver chopsticks. Kim also claims to shoot 3-to-4 holes in one per round of golf and guess what, NOBODY DISPUTES IT! That is power, that is manliness.

6. Sarah Palin: She could officially become President of the United States, the most manly job on the planet.

7.Wayne Gretzky: When he had his mullet of course. Mullets only have two forms: redneck, and manly, there is no in between. Gretzky was one of the few people in the history of our world that has actually been able to pull off a manly mullet, also he played hockey, which is arguably the most manly sport on the planet.

8. The Boondock Saints: They cauterized their own wounds with a Hot Iron... holy crap!

9. Bender: Yet another non-human graces this list. Let me just give you a few examples of manly things that Bender has said:

"I've got a friend named fry. He's a pretty cool guy. Rip out his lungs and he might well die. If there's two things he's not its a cool robot and the emperor of France."

"I'm gonna build my own amusement park. But with gambling and hookers! Ah, forget the amusement park."

10. Owen Wilson: A personal hero of mine, this manly man was able to overcome the handicap of a hidious nose and totally mack it with Rachel McAdams (wedding crashers.)